Change
by wasabee
Summary: After the suicide attempt, many things have changed. My take on how Adam taking Aaron to Bar West would look like. Written 24th of April, anything aired afterwards may not fit with this story.


**Change**

Aaron never looked too closely anymore. He skimmed the place just briefly to grab what he needed, headed out to the car again and began working on it. He didn't dare look at the inside of the garage. He was scared to see the place where he thought he'd die.

He had realised it was true what they said. Although Aaron couldn't recall anything that had happened after he turned the motor on, the moments before that were quite vivid in his head. Everything inside him had been tense, his mind clearer than ever. He had thought that he would die there, that would be the end of everything; his life, swept away, together with all the problems that came with it, the pain and the hurt. It could have worked. He had subconsciously tried to memorise every single detail of the place he had been supposed to die. He remembered the Jackets he put on the floor. The doors, the locks, he saw it right in front of him, even though he tried desperately to forget it for a few moments. At that moment, his destiny had seemed to be clear.

He couldn't forget, although it was painful to remember. Instead of escaping he had caused the pile of problems that pressed him down to double in size. Not only the guilt, anger and fear of being abandoned, of being _gay _haunted him now, but the weight of the knowledge that he had been pathetic enough to fail suicide was pushing him to the edge. He knew he couldn't do anything anymore. Chas was constantly checking up on him and with her, it seemed, the whole village. He couldn't go anywhere without being interrogated. Every time he tried to keep something a secret everyone assumed it was another plan to commit suicide, or something he'd done, or whatever they were thinking.

On top of that almost everyone knew that he was gay, now. How couldn't they, he had said it himself in front of court. Even though he denied it when he had got snarky remarks at community service, he knew it wasn't true. Adam had shouted at him when he found out what he'd said. "What if they that bloke actually went to the police and told them? What're you going to say then?"

Adam had a point. It had always been something Aaron despised as much as he admired – Adam hit the nail on the head most of the time. Yet he was also very understanding and nice. It might have been the reason why Aaron liked him.

That was another thing he couldn't just forget. Adam was the person who he had tried to kiss – in a spur of the moment, he hadn't thought about it before, just the Adrenalin and confusion and dim light – and who had seen Jackson kiss him. He liked Adam very much, but he was scared of the sheer thought that Adam had witnessed all these things. They had managed to talk more over the last few weeks, Adam hadn't been half as fussy as Paddy and Chas had been, so he preferred his company to that of his "mom", who only realised he was there when he was on the verge of death, or Paddy, who had sweet-talked him into believing he cared about Aaron. Yet it was hard trying to forget.

Jackson was a completely different matter. Aaron didn't believe he'd ever see him again. In fact, he was hoping to forget about him completely. He didn't want to see that face ever again. He didn't want himself to be reminded of anything to do with him – the flirt, the kiss, the drink, the _fist._ He was thoroughly embarrassed. It was what he did best. Shoving the matter out of his mind and pretend it didn't exist.

He glanced over to the garage again. He needed another piece which would require him to search at the back of the garage. After a few seconds of hesitation, he turned to go inside. However, as he approached the door, someone called his name.

"Aaron!"

He turned round to see Adam, who was walking up to him now, a cautious smile on his face. "Hi," Aaron replied neutrally, trying to sound normal, casual.

"You wanna go to town later?", Adam asked, "Y'know, celebrate your Therapy."

Aaron rolled his eyes. Of course, he had got a free therapist. Paddy and Chas had convinced him to get professional help but it had taken a while for them to arrange a meeting. He would see the shrink next week. Secretly, he was not only hoping that he'd help him deal with his problems, but tell him that he could change – become _straight. _"You paying?" he finally said.

"Oh, whatever. You coming, then?"

"Why not." Aaron was relieved to get away from the tense atmosphere around Smithy Cottage, in fact. If Adam was coming, surely Paddy wouldn't try and call the police or lock him in his room or whatever it was he would try to prevent him from _committing suicide._ As if that was everything he was thinking about nowadays.

"Cheers, mate. When do you think you'll be finished?" Adam now smiled again, squinting into the sunlight.

"Dunno. Should take 'till around five, I guess," Aaron estimated.

"I'll pick you up. See ya." With that, Adam turned to leave. For a few seconds, Aaron watched as he walked down the street again and turned around the corner. For some reason, he had a strange feeling about Adam's last sentence. Was he now becoming as paranoid as Paddy and Chas, trying to make sure Aaron wasn't going to run?

Gloomily, he stepped into the garage to look for the missing piece. So much had changed.

Adam's behaviour suddenly made sense. Horrified, Aaron stared at the place, then back at Adam. "Are you crazy or what? I'm not going in there!" Certainly not with Adam, who'd just been dying to humiliate Aaron again. How'd he know about that Bar West place anyway? Aaron was sure Paddy had told him – oh, how could he have ever trusted him?

"Calm down, mate. You've been in there before!"  
With Jackson, who'd always been there when he'd been looking for him, who probably _lived_ there half the time. Where the disaster had begun. He didn't need any more of that – and he especially didn't need his straight friend to take him there, even less one he had felt attracted to for quite a while. He didn't even bother to reply but began to walk back again. He didn't need to put up with this.

"Hold on, will ya!" Adam shouted, gripping his arm, "What're you scared of?"  
"I'm not scared," Aaron insisted, but he stopped now. "I just don't want to go into that dump."  
"What, because I'm not gay?" Adam actually laughed. "Straight lads can go to gay pubs, too, y'know."  
Aaron didn't reply anything.

"I tell ya, you're coming."

Adam had made it quite clear he wouldn't accept a no and dragged him into the place anyway. He seemed to be more comfortable than Aaron, who was nervously following him. Didn't Adam think he'd be chatted up by anyone? But as soon as Aaron entered the familiar place his eyes were instantly searching for only one face – Jackson. He prayed for him not to be there. Just this once. He wasn't ready to face him just yet and was honestly frightened. He had done something horrible, he knew, but ignoring it seemed like the best option.

Luckily, he didn't seem to be anywhere. Calming down a little, he followed Adam to a small table at a corner. Aaron noticed that Adam wasn't even looking around too much. He didn't seem to care that two blokes were snogging only a few steps away.  
"A pint?" Adam asked.

"Yeah, sure." Aaron thought it was very, very strange. He himself was a bundle of nerves, about to break, his whole body was tense, but Adam seemed to be comfortable, looking no different than in the village. He now headed to the bar to get drinks. Aaron watched him as he stood there, ordering, looking around. Just then, a bloke approached Adam. Aaron couldn't hear a word they were saying, but it was quite obvious that the blonde guy was _interested _in Adam. Aaron somehow felt a strange urge to punch that ugly face – but it wasn't necessary, since Adam shook his head, smiling, maybe telling him he had a girlfriend, grabbed the beer and now returned to Aaron.

Before Adam reached the table, however, something else caught Aaron's attention, a face much too familiar. Jackson looked as if he'd just come out from the gents and was heading straight through the room. He didn't look around, so Aaron assumed he didn't see him, yet subconsciously he tried to be inconspicuous.

Adam, who now sat down beside Aaron, had noticed him staring and had a worried expression. "Why don't you go over to him, eh?"  
"Why?" Aaron snapped.

"Because you want to apologise to him, maybe?" Adam could be cruelly truthful sometimes. Yes, Aaron wanted to apologise, but he didn't think Jackson would listen. Or maybe he would, but he didn't want to face him now. In fact, the only thing he wanted to do was to flee. He wasn't ready. He didn't want to hear.

"It's no use," he said, meaning both that Jackson would not listen and that no matter Adam said, he wasn't going to do anything.

"I can tell, you know, by the way you look at him." Couldn't he just shut up for one minute? Aaron chose to ignore what he said and picked up his pint instead – gulping down almost half of it within a few seconds. Adam lifted his eyebrows. "Mate, you gotta talk to him sometime."

"Shut up." Another sip.

"Calm down, will ya? At least try and enjoy yourself while you're here." Aaron was glad Adam finally gave up. Yet he couldn't bring himself to stop glancing over to Jackson every now and then. He was chatting with someone. Flirting, maybe. He didn't care. Or so he repeated in his head.

"It's not that bad in here," Adam commented, "and look, there's pool tables. Wanna have a go?"  
"Dead boring." Truthfully, he just didn't want to be somewhere to be easily spotted. The last thing he could do with now was Jackson approaching and insulting him. He couldn't deal with it.

He glanced over again, as he realised that Jackson and that other guy were kissing now. Aaron was quite sure it wasn't a friendly peck, although it broke after a few seconds. Jackson had that kind of grin on his face that he had also had after _their_ kiss. His face turned then, right over and before Aaron could look away, their eyes met. Jackson's expression rapidly cooled down and he turned to the other bloke again, chatting easily as if to demonstrate that Aaron meant nothing to him and he didn't give two pence that he had seen.

Aaron was still in shock about what had just happened, when he noticed that Adam had seen, too. He wanted to get up and run as fast as possible, but Adam's hand pulled him back down.

"Aaron ..." – "I'm fine!"

Adam snorted. "Of course you're not!"

Aaron was trembling now. He tried to convince himself it didn't matter. He knew better. Was he that insignificant? That after a few weeks Jackson could go snog a different lad?

"Go over to him," Adam insisted, "Apologise."  
"Well, that won't do any good, will it." It wasn't a joke. It was dead serious.

"I'm not saying that he'll get back together with you..." – "We weren't together," Aaron snapped, but Adam overheard that comment. "...but he deserves an apology."

Aaron raised his glass once again and emptied it, noticing faintly that Adam had only had a few sips. Then he got up, determined not to let himself be stopped and hurried outside. He heard Adam following him as he rushed outside.

"Don't do anything stupid – "  
"I wasn't _planning _to!" Aaron was shouting now. He realised that people on the streets were looking at him and quickly continued walking down. Adam followed, determined not to let him go on his own.

Why couldn't everyone just leave him be? Angrily, he kicked an empty can of beer out of his way.

"Aaron, stop."  
He didn't know why he obeyed. As he looked on the ground, he realised how empty he really felt.

"I'm yer mate. You can talk to me." Adam approached him carefully. He seemed honestly concerned about Aaron.

It was too much. It reminded him of December, after that accident that had stirred up all this mess in the first place. Jackson and the kiss, the desperation when he locked himself up in the garage, the fear of rejection, everything came crashing down. For a few seconds, he wanted to throw himself at Adam, kick his head in, anything. But he couldn't move. Instead his eyes filled with tears as his heart seemed to literally break inside of him.

Adam didn't say anything. He calmly put his Arms around Aaron – he tried to wiggle out, scared that he might lash out again, or try to kiss Adam or anything but he was too numb – and told him without any words that it was alright. That it was fine.

Only it wasn't.

They remained silent during the journey. As the bus stopped in Emmerdale and they left the house, Aaron was desperate to just get home, into bed and forget about everything that had happened, go to sleep, wake up and realise that it had just been a dream. But of course Adam wouldn't let him go that easily.

"Are you sure you don't wanna talk?" he asked, carefully.

"I'm fine, mate." Aaron wanted to be. He had shown enough weakness for his whole life and felt terribly ashamed of himself.

"You really liked him, then?" Adam questioned further, ignoring what Aaron had said.

Aaron didn't know what to reply. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. He had just felt that he had belonged somewhere, that he was okay. That someone could understand him. Looking back, it felt rather like some crazy fantasy. Yet, he nodded subtly, looking at the ground. Yes, he had wished that Jackson liked him. That it was possible to like someone like him. And even though he knew that Adam cared about him, it didn't do it.

He could imagine that Adam was thinking a lot of things. For example that he shouldn't have hit Jackson if he really was that into him, or that it was pathetic to think Jackson would like him back, or hope anything would develop. Aaron was even ready to spit back a response, an explanation, a nasty comment. But Adam didn't say anything. He looked concerned, but also full of understanding. "Well, I guess I'll see you round, then. Tell Paddy I said hi."

Aaron nodded. "Kay." There was an awkward silence. Aaron turned round and walked away, towards Smithy Cottage. He didn't look, but he could've sworn that Adam watched him go inside.

Things had changed. Too much.


End file.
